He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
