She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
