god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
