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My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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