hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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