well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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