Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
