i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
