the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
