Got a toothbrush?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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