im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
