Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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