so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
