you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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