Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
