I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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