if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
