i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
