oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
