How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
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