He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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