Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I bet he comes in French.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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