I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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