He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
