conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
