No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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