not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
