All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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