two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
