the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
