I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
