I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
