I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
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did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
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And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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