I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
