I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
