I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
either way he was missing a nipple.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
