my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
