My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
stop calling my apartment porn island.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
