dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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