You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Semen is not good for contacts.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.