HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
