I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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