if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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