So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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