are you still at the devil's house?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
