fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
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Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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