Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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