went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
