please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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