just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
