I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
