Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
