dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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