i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
