Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
