We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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