So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
