guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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