mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
