i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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