is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Pooping to opera.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
